The Battle Hymn of The Allergies

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the flu.
It would feel so much better than the allergies I knew.
My lungs are sealing up now and my face is turning blue
And Allerest Marches on!

Sniffle! Sniffle! How how I'm sneezing!
Whining! Whining! How I'm wheezing!
Glory! Glory! Fate I'm teasing!!
as allergies are marching on!

I hath seen the wrath of vines and terrible swift grass
I have battled vicious pines and fell down on my ass
If I see another house with greenery, I'll pass.
As Tavist D Marches on!

My nose is running scared from the sacred battlefield
my eyes are swelled shut and my arms are burned and peeled
If this was a prison term it would surely be appealed!
as Sudafed marches on!


Cotton Fields Back Home

When I was a little bitty baby
my momma would kick me in the cradle
in them old cotton fields back home!

It may sound a little funny
but she didnt make very much money
and she left me in them cotton fields back home.

Now when those cotton balls went rotten,
it didnt smell much like cotton
in them old cotton fields back home.

It was down in Fluvanna
just a few miles from Miama
in them old cotton fields back home.

Now when I started back home,
Momma chased me with a backhoe
in them old cotton fields back home.

She was swattin me with the shovel
and wouldnt stop untill I was level
in them old cotton fields back home!


Dedicated to a dog I left behind (gladly)
and sung to the tune of "Stewball"

Screwball was weird dog
and I'm glad he's not mine
He always drank nitro
and peed on my vine

Oh the backyard was crowded
and screwball was there
and the people were running
'cause he peed everywhere

I chased him with a shotgun
but I didnt dare shoot
'cause a dog who drinks nitro
has a real deadly poot

Ode To The Howdy Patrol

A lot of rumors have been flying
and me thinks someone is lying
so now I'll be trying
to set the record straight.

I never joined the Aggie Corps
and I never shaved my head nor
would I do so or
my head would overinflate.

I am just a simple farm boy
who went to school and found new toys
and found great intense joy
in hosing up the works.

I moved barricades and flustered
nerds who often sat clustered
next door as I crudely blustered
and tied them up like jerks.

I have often broadcast loud crude sounds
as I cruised the A&M grounds,
the level of fun often astounds
me even to this day.

Tailpipe whistles were all the rage
as my victims flew into a rage
I found my self to be the sage
of Howdy's newest way.

Wally, VEX, MOJ and NAZ
were the pilgrims who made them spaz
and made them duck from water as
they came crusing by.

Drinking, pool, skipping, and rowdy
were the traits of men who always said Howdy
and they used PA's to make it loudly
and never tell a lie.

But now the crew is busted and
scattered all over U.S. land
looking for ways to raise some sand
in hostile foreign places.

Lord help the settlers in the state
that holds these men bound to fate
like so many are of late.
Someone get the maces.

Ice On the Moon

there's ice on the moon
and a face on mars
yet for lack of a spoon
I used fingers in the jars

now my friends are mad
they're not cosmically inclined
they say germs are bad
I say we're all intertwined

They will understand real soon
the genius I can be
when they give all sense
and grow chia pets like me

Dear Mr. Potts

Dear Mr. Potts,
Have you had all your shots?
Away you must go,
To sunny Mexico,
This part of your job really rotts.

In Mexico they have the strippers
That make you say "bloody ripper!"
But why did you go
To the bathroom so
Quickly with a bathrobe and slippers?

When you came back to find
Your friend in a bind.
Girls on his lap,
While you took a nap,
The poor chica you wouldn't let grind!

But Potts was smiling a big grin
You'd almost wonder where he'd been
But he's such a wanker
He probably has cankers
And he ran to the bathroom again.

He met the towel boy at the door,
Mumbled "Please, one more"
Went to the first stall,
Stood up real tall,
Began to even the score.

The bathroom walls started shaking
Mexico City thought again they were quaking
Potts was engrossed
He was about to be toast
'Cause the cops were coming to take him.

They took him in cuffs,
Man, they were rough,
Took him down,
To a cell underground,
Stripped him down to the buff.

They thought Potts would be scared
But back at his captors he glared
He was really quite mad
Cause they saw that he had
Victorias Secret underwear.

Your cell mates were jealous,
Of the silk on your pelvis,
They tried to pretend,
To be your boyfriend,
Nicknaming your weiner Elvis.

Ode to the Closing of MNI

There once was a man named Spyder
Who drove up to work in a Rider.
He said right away,
I want all of my pay
And Nancy gave him a fiver.

He said "this really sucks...
I hate MiNI bucks"

and he blew up the Rider beside her.

Then there was the man named Potts,
who intervened, or so we thought.
He said with a grin,
as he wiped his chin,
I'd sure like to get that 5-spot.

But Spyder was tough and unfeeling
and Potts just couldnt stop squealing
Spyder was getting all hyper,
and Potts was getting his fiber,
and he blew up the Rider beside her.

Potts acts like such a slut
But Bob's jaw starts to jut.
'cause when the heat is on
and the kneepads are gone
Its Bob who still earns a glut.

I've talked of this man named Puckett,
who once sat on a tuffet
eating his cud and hay.
When along comes Spyder
who sits down beside "her"
and Little Bob Puckett ran away.

He screamed "I've got a gun!"
as he continued to run,
thinking about that fiver.
But Potts was too fast
Puckett couldnt last
'cause Potts got all Bobby's fiber.

When Puckett got tired and went home,
He pulled out his doll and groaned.
He said, "My darling Ken
Where have you been?"
Your Lube Queen wants to get stoned.

A Boy and His Palm

There once was a pilgrim named VEX
who was always drunk and perplexed
but his promised land
was his right hand
and now he just hollers NEXT!

On Saturday night,
He turned out the light.
Then began thinking,
Soon he was wanking,
On the way to loosing his sight!

Now VEX's hands are so hairy
to the women he became quite scary.
till he tried to shave
his hands with a blade
and had to go to the infirmary.

The doc took one look,
and how his head shook,
He hadn't seen this before,
It was medical lore,
There is nothing like this in my book!

Now VEX was very upset
without Rosie, he started to fret
but he saw a keyhole
and started to stroll
to the door to get satisfied yet.

With his eye he did inspect,
the hole made by an insect.
It was in the door,
far enough off the floor,
that he wouldn't loose self-respect.

So VEX yanked his pants off so fast
a nurse came in and was agasp
she didnt see much
cause he had on a cup
that resembled a whiskey shot glass.

But VEX wasn't dismayed,
You take this risk when you play,
Nurse said "Oh brother",
VEX Replied "Oh! You're not mother",
And asked if she'd sit and stay.

The nurse surprisingly sat down
and Mr. VEX started to frown
she didnt laugh
at his winky staff
which turned his theory upside down

Skivies around his ankles
He began to spank,
Then with a wink,
He shot to the brink,
He was certainly a first class wanker.

The nurse was so very impressed
she jumped up and showed him her chest
but Vex was all done
he'd had all his fun
and he all but ignored her request

"Dear Lady", He said,
While bowing his head,
"I appreciate your sympathy,
But I'm quite through you see,
Besides, I love Rosie instead."